Really?

Yep. This is just what football fans want to see during this year's Super Bowl halftime show.

For those of us who watched Madonna grow up on MTV, it's going to make us feel really old.

And for those of us who haven't been hitting in the gym lately, it will make us wish we wore long sleeve shirt.

And you just know some dude sporting a  XXXL #12 Patriots jersey is going to blow his cover and hit the restroom humming "Like a Virgin."

We are all doomed.

Curse you, Madonna.

...touched for the very first time.

Project: Piss Off Kobe

It's working.

Let's start by taking a look at the Lakers current roster. 

Starters:

Barnes  8th Season

Gasol 10th Season

Bynum  6th Season

Fisher 15th Season

Bryant 15th Season

Barnes and Fisher would not start on any other team in the NBA.

Bench:

Blake

Caracter

Ebanks

Goudelock

Kapono

McRoberts

Morris

Murphy

Walton

Peace

This has to be the worst bench in the NBA.

Remove Kobe from this team, and the Lakers would be hard pressed to score 60 points a game. Removing Kobe from this team is what Mike Brown seems to be hell bent on achieving.  To save himself from embarrassing 20+ losses, he plays Kobe 40 minutes a night. Understandably, this rookie coach cannot look at a loss as simply a loss. If the Lakers were losing by 30 or 40, the panic button would be hovered over and Brown's seat would be heating up incrementally each time Luke Walton licked his fingers.  (Trust me on this one. Walton, licks his fingers every time he makes a mistake on the floor.  If given significant minutes, his fingers would be forever pruney).

And what's with all the white guys?  Blake, Gasol, Kapono, McRoberts, Murphy, Walton, and Goudelock (no one's heard of him, so I'd thought I'd sneak him in). Sans Gasol, these castaways are contributing less than even Gilligan in his seminal athletic moment as a member of the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Invincible Robots. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqJxz5EM2kc) Note: You'll get a treat listening to the announcer in this game played to "save the island").

Back to the mainland. Together, Kapono, Murphy, McRoberts, and Blake have a combined 30 years of NBA experience logging token minutes for (drum roll, please) 21 different teams!

I think we are all being duped by a savvier than presented Lakers' management team. With Kobe in his 15th year and the Lakers fragile future face of the franchise (trying saying that 5 times fast), Andrew Bynum landing on buckled knees, it doesn't take a Mayan to conclude that the end is near.  

No one is dumb enough (except the young Buss kid) to say it, but the Lakers are plotting a rebuild.

Kobe still has trade value but if the Lakers' management were to start dangling the franchise's all time greatest player to teams like the Bulls, Magic, Mavs, Knicks, and Clips, fans would never forgive. 

But....

if Kobe out of frustration from having to play with the likes of  Kapono (3.1 PPG, 29% 3PFG), Peace (5.1 PPG, 32% FG, 12% 3PFG), Fisher (5.1 PPG, 32% FG), and Walton (2.0 PPG, up from last season 1.7 PPG), were to demand a trade, then the Lakers' brass could claim they had no choice.  

It's diabolical. 

Let me provide further evidence to support Project: Piss Off Kobe.  Exhibit A:  Hire Mike Brown, without consulting Kobe.  Exhibit B: Trade Lamar Odom without getting anything in return. Exhibit C: (which implicates David Stern who understands that the Los Angeles Lakers cannot be fueled by Kobe forever) The botched Chris Paul trade which would have placated Kobe and improved their championship chances.

Now add a dusting of personal strife (divorce settlement in which Kobe forfeited three Newport Beach mansions), and a pinch (okay much more than a pinch) of ego, which keeps Kobe striving to surpass Michael Jordan in championships) and you have the recipe for the rebuild.

When asked recently about the the struggling offense, Bryant insisted, “It’s under construction. We’re still working on the blueprints, actually.” 

And somewhere in a dimly lit office in the bowels of Staples center, Mitch Kupchak could be found rubbing his hands together with a look of devilish satisfaction. Project: Piss Off Kobe may be ahead of schedule.

Forgive and Forget?

Vick, "I deserve a second chance. See...one, two."

Michael Vick used his property as the main staging area for housing and training the pit bulls involved in the dogfighting venture. Vick "executed approximately eight dogs that did not perform well in 'testing' sessions by various methods, including hanging, drowning and/or slamming at least one dog's body to the ground.”

Three years later, the Eagles will pay him $100 million dollars.

The four million dollar apology.

Kobe Bryant was charged with a single count of felony sexual assault against a 19-year-old woman at an exclusive spa where he was staying when he came to Colorado for knee surgery in the summer of 2003. If convicted, he faced four years to life in prison or 20 years to life on probation, and a fine of up to $750,000.

Kobe’s latest contract? Three years, $90 million.

Criminal and fashion disaster.

Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington at the Miss Black America pageant in 1991.

Mike Tyson's career earnings estimated at $400 million. Most recently, he was cheered for his comedy stylings in The Hangover.

Should we be so quick to forgive and forget? Sports (especially when accompanied by a cool beverage) provides us with a temporary escape from reality, but when our athletes “break bad,” our respite from the day-to-day responsibilities and worries is jarringly halted.

Let’s not forget that these guys are getting paid millions of dollars to live out the dream that we all had crushed around sophomore year. If for no other reason, respect us, the humbled athletes. Play your game. Make your millions. Stay out of trouble. Is it too much to ask that you appreciate the amazing opportunity, the adulation, the endorsements? Is it too much to ask that you spend your money with semi-reckless abandon? Is it too much to ask that you carry a second cell phone? 

If the athlete’s answer is “Yes. It is too much to ask.” Or “Yeh. It’s too much to axe.” Then we as fans have a responsibility to make them pay.

My advice. Draft Vick no earlier than the 3rd round in your fantasy draft. Don’t root for Kobe until the playoffs. Watch The Hangover twice and skip the sequel.

Every escape has it’s price, and sadly, I guess I’m still willing to pay.

Cleaning Up Sports

Texas Ranger officials posted the following on their message board at a recent game:

"Doing the wave will, yes, will cause tears to the suprarapinatus muscle and the infraspinatus muscle from the throwing of arms rapidly into the air. In addition, any children doing the wave will be sold to the circus."

One fan was overheard saying, “If I can make a few bucks selling my kids, perhaps I can afford to buy a beer in this place.”

At Sports Carnage, we're not losing any sleep over the possible wave ban. But there's plenty of sports stuff that pisses us off, like the fact, that on average, we have to dig like archaeologists to secure 4 1/2 peanuts per box of Cracker Jacks. And don't get us started about those shitty prizes.

We've compiled a list of things that should be banned in sports immediately to make the world a better place:

10. Women sideline reporters (with the exception of Erin Andrews)

The Rule

The Exception

9. Michael Jordan’s silly Hitler mustache.

Did he lose a bet?

8. Alternating possessions in basketball

7. Guys playing for one more paycheck. (Joe  Montana as a Chief. Joe Namath as a Ram. Michael Jordan as a Wizard. Jerry Rice as a Seahawk, Muhammad Ali (Note: Ali finished his career with a 56-5 record, but three of his five losses came in his final four fights.)

In 8 games with the Jets prior to going to the
Rams, Namath threw 4 TDs and 16 INTs.

6. The extra week between the NFL division championships and the Super Bowl.

5. Baseball managers in uniform. (What if NBA coaches had to wear the same uniforms as their players?)

Utah Jazz coach Frank Layden

4. Fairway bunkers (It’s a personal problem.)

3. Brett Farve comeback stories

2. Sports anthem “We will...We will... Rock you.” (It's going to stay with you all day now. Ha!)

1. About a hundred or so of baseball’s 162 game season.

Just a Hunch

The Randy Moss retirement is temporary.

Prior history speaks volumes to establishing a very predictable pattern of taking some time off.

Exhibit A: Raiders
Exhibit B: Tennessee Titans
Exhibit C: Second Tour with Minnesota Vikings
Exhibit D: 50 % of his routes

One Less Thing to Worry About

Okay, at least we don’t have to worry about Kobe switching sports anytime soon.

And they say basketball players are the world’s greatest athletes. Hmm.

The Latest NBA Lockout News

The NBA lockout has, if nothing else, inspired the players to think outside their 94 by 50 hunk of wood.

Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut will spend his time during the NBA lockout as assistant coach of the Australian national team. Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace. Kevin Love is playing beach volleyball. Kobe Byrant is trying to expand his “brand” in the Philippines. And...

Denver Nuggets, Chris “The Birdman” Anderson has just completed his full body tattoo.

Wait, there's more!

Click this link to see how the Lock Out Professionals Blake Griffin, Tyson Chandler, Metta, and Kevin Love can be of service to you during the lock out.