The Latest NBA Lockout News

The NBA lockout has, if nothing else, inspired the players to think outside their 94 by 50 hunk of wood.

Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut will spend his time during the NBA lockout as assistant coach of the Australian national team. Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace. Kevin Love is playing beach volleyball. Kobe Byrant is trying to expand his “brand” in the Philippines. And...

Denver Nuggets, Chris “The Birdman” Anderson has just completed his full body tattoo.

Wait, there's more!

Click this link to see how the Lock Out Professionals Blake Griffin, Tyson Chandler, Metta, and Kevin Love can be of service to you during the lock out.

Why should I care?

When the NFL lockout ended, I was reminded of the summer of 1981 when Santa locked out the elves. Exorbitant elf salaries were really cutting into Santa’s red velour jumpsuit obsession. It chapped Santa’s hide that elves were cruising around the North Pole in pimped out sleds, while he and the Mrs. were still making cookies and milk runs in their circa 1800s utilitarian sleigh.

Why don’t you remember this?  It’s because elves are three feet tall and they build toys.  It’s all they do. It’s all they know. It’s because Santa needs elves to meet the consumer’s demand.  And mostly it’s because the elf lockout ended in plenty of time for the Christmas season to proceed uninterrupted.

I watched the Super Bowl and after a week long bout of the end-of-the-season blues, I hunkered down to mediocre NBA action, the agonizing long baseball season, weekend golf, and some chicks playing soccer. You see, my biological sports clock has been programmed to expect football in the fall. 

So why should I care that NFL players couldn’t “work” during the off season?  It’s the same reason I hung my stocking up in 1981 with nary a worry that the big man would do his thing.

The players need football. The owners need football. The fans need football. And so does Santa.  I hear he’s got tickets in the cheap seats at Lambeau on a Monday night in December.

LeBron's Summer Vacation Photo

Kobe is Tryp(tophan)in'

Rumor has it that Kobe Bryant feels tired and lethargic a couple of hours after anyone even suggests Turkey. 

Who knew?

We were as shocked as you to discover that the squeaky clean, backpack-to-press conference-wearing, NBA superstar, Kevin Durant is all tatted up.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. We say, "so what" and added a few.

Tiger Woods and Steve Williams Split

Tiger Woods has ended his 12-year relationship with caddie Steve Williams. Woods is going to need a replacement and we’ve got some suggestions.

Here’s our short list of candidates:

A. Carl Spackler (of Caddy Shack fame. This dude once looped
for the Dalai Lama for Buddha’s sake).

 

B. Shaquille O’Neal (They'll call him “The Big Birdie.” And you  know,
they say putting is a lot like free throw shooting. Uh, on second thought...)

C. Dwayne Wade (After carrying LeBron James through the
championship, this will seem like a light load)

D. Santa Claus (Has experience carrying a bag, won’t mind
wearing red on Sundays, and that whole naughty list thing
 just might help keep Tiger in check)

Suggestions?

Mad Libs

A strange thing happened at the Sports Carnage offices today. While playing a game of Mad Libs with my son, we came up with the following whacky sentence.

The Women’s Soccer Team from North Korea were caught using


steroids. North Korea officials claim the girls ingested Musk Deer 


liver to help them recover from being struck by lightning.

Click to Link to this stranger than fiction story.

Weird Beards

Beards happen when you have either too much time or too little time on your hands.

Abraham Lincoln is a perfect example of the "too little time to shave kind of guy." Lincoln had a union to save, slaves to free, and a droopy jaw line to hide.

The baseball relief pitcher conversely has way too much time.  Between making a one inning save appearance a couple of times a week, they spend their idle time participating in bubble gum blowing contests, rating female fans, spitting seeds, and filling pie tins (ironically) with shaving cream.

Tiger Woods recent facial hair experiment places him in the category with the relief pitchers. For all fans, concerned Tiger, please pick up a hobby while you recuperate. You're creepin' us all out. 

The Weird Facial Hair Hall of Fame (Other nominees?)

See Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses

Drew Gooden as the Kraken

Brian Wilson inspired by
Wooly Willy. (click link)

I blame this guy for all this
beard and mustache mayhem.

I 

Excuse me sir, but there is a
fishing lure hanging from
your lip.

Jayon Werth loses a bet. We hope.

From Just Do It to Go Vantelin?

[Vantelin is the heat rub that Tiger Woods is now hawking in Japan]

Rumor has it that Woods mistakenly believed the rub was to be used on his clubs.

Clothes-lined!

Rambis gets knocked down again!  After two unsuccessful seasons with the T-Wolves and a winning percentage (32-132) that looked more like Shaq's free throw percentage, Rambis got clothes-lined by Minnesota GM, David Kahn.

To ease the pain of failure, Rambis will stroll (onto the beaches of Southern California most likely) with enough dollars ( 4 million of them to be exact) to afford a few pairs of horn-rimmed sun glasses.

KFC offers Dwayne Wade a job.

In high school, Wade worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and now the company has reached out to help him make ends meet during the imminent NBA lockout.

Teammate LeBron James was denied a position after repeatedly clanging wings and legs off the side of the family variety bucket during his interview/tryout. 

A dejected LeBron commented, “I guess I'll be taking my talents to Popeyes.”

Sports Celebrity Look-a-Likes

Kevin Durant and Raj from What's Happenin'
Hey, hey, hey!

Cowboy Giver

Dallas wide receiver, Roy Williams, has trouble catching...

a. out patterns

b. a wife

c. on

d. All of the Above.

Dallas wide receiver, Roy Williams allegedly mailed a video proposal, a $76,000 ring, and his testicles in an overnight delivery package to girl friend Brooke Daniels.

Brooke got cold feet and sticky fingers; Broke off the wedding and kept the ring. 

Roy Williams, perhaps sensing the inevitable: Getting released by the Cowboys, and losing his $9 million annual salary, filed an insurance claim and hired an attorney to retrieve the ring.

Roy probably realized that 76K might come handy when the time comes to replace his missing testicles.

Metta World Peace

Metta World Peace sans Puerto Rico

Really?