Forgive and Forget?

Vick, "I deserve a second chance. See...one, two."

Michael Vick used his property as the main staging area for housing and training the pit bulls involved in the dogfighting venture. Vick "executed approximately eight dogs that did not perform well in 'testing' sessions by various methods, including hanging, drowning and/or slamming at least one dog's body to the ground.”

Three years later, the Eagles will pay him $100 million dollars.

The four million dollar apology.

Kobe Bryant was charged with a single count of felony sexual assault against a 19-year-old woman at an exclusive spa where he was staying when he came to Colorado for knee surgery in the summer of 2003. If convicted, he faced four years to life in prison or 20 years to life on probation, and a fine of up to $750,000.

Kobe’s latest contract? Three years, $90 million.

Criminal and fashion disaster.

Mike Tyson was convicted of raping Desiree Washington at the Miss Black America pageant in 1991.

Mike Tyson's career earnings estimated at $400 million. Most recently, he was cheered for his comedy stylings in The Hangover.

Should we be so quick to forgive and forget? Sports (especially when accompanied by a cool beverage) provides us with a temporary escape from reality, but when our athletes “break bad,” our respite from the day-to-day responsibilities and worries is jarringly halted.

Let’s not forget that these guys are getting paid millions of dollars to live out the dream that we all had crushed around sophomore year. If for no other reason, respect us, the humbled athletes. Play your game. Make your millions. Stay out of trouble. Is it too much to ask that you appreciate the amazing opportunity, the adulation, the endorsements? Is it too much to ask that you spend your money with semi-reckless abandon? Is it too much to ask that you carry a second cell phone? 

If the athlete’s answer is “Yes. It is too much to ask.” Or “Yeh. It’s too much to axe.” Then we as fans have a responsibility to make them pay.

My advice. Draft Vick no earlier than the 3rd round in your fantasy draft. Don’t root for Kobe until the playoffs. Watch The Hangover twice and skip the sequel.

Every escape has it’s price, and sadly, I guess I’m still willing to pay.

Cleaning Up Sports

Texas Ranger officials posted the following on their message board at a recent game:

"Doing the wave will, yes, will cause tears to the suprarapinatus muscle and the infraspinatus muscle from the throwing of arms rapidly into the air. In addition, any children doing the wave will be sold to the circus."

One fan was overheard saying, “If I can make a few bucks selling my kids, perhaps I can afford to buy a beer in this place.”

At Sports Carnage, we're not losing any sleep over the possible wave ban. But there's plenty of sports stuff that pisses us off, like the fact, that on average, we have to dig like archaeologists to secure 4 1/2 peanuts per box of Cracker Jacks. And don't get us started about those shitty prizes.

We've compiled a list of things that should be banned in sports immediately to make the world a better place:

10. Women sideline reporters (with the exception of Erin Andrews)

The Rule

The Exception

9. Michael Jordan’s silly Hitler mustache.

Did he lose a bet?

8. Alternating possessions in basketball

7. Guys playing for one more paycheck. (Joe  Montana as a Chief. Joe Namath as a Ram. Michael Jordan as a Wizard. Jerry Rice as a Seahawk, Muhammad Ali (Note: Ali finished his career with a 56-5 record, but three of his five losses came in his final four fights.)

In 8 games with the Jets prior to going to the
Rams, Namath threw 4 TDs and 16 INTs.

6. The extra week between the NFL division championships and the Super Bowl.

5. Baseball managers in uniform. (What if NBA coaches had to wear the same uniforms as their players?)

Utah Jazz coach Frank Layden

4. Fairway bunkers (It’s a personal problem.)

3. Brett Farve comeback stories

2. Sports anthem “We will...We will... Rock you.” (It's going to stay with you all day now. Ha!)

1. About a hundred or so of baseball’s 162 game season.

Just a Hunch

The Randy Moss retirement is temporary.

Prior history speaks volumes to establishing a very predictable pattern of taking some time off.

Exhibit A: Raiders
Exhibit B: Tennessee Titans
Exhibit C: Second Tour with Minnesota Vikings
Exhibit D: 50 % of his routes

One Less Thing to Worry About

Okay, at least we don’t have to worry about Kobe switching sports anytime soon.

And they say basketball players are the world’s greatest athletes. Hmm.

The Latest NBA Lockout News

The NBA lockout has, if nothing else, inspired the players to think outside their 94 by 50 hunk of wood.

Milwaukee Bucks center Andrew Bogut will spend his time during the NBA lockout as assistant coach of the Australian national team. Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace. Kevin Love is playing beach volleyball. Kobe Byrant is trying to expand his “brand” in the Philippines. And...

Denver Nuggets, Chris “The Birdman” Anderson has just completed his full body tattoo.

Wait, there's more!

Click this link to see how the Lock Out Professionals Blake Griffin, Tyson Chandler, Metta, and Kevin Love can be of service to you during the lock out.

Why should I care?

When the NFL lockout ended, I was reminded of the summer of 1981 when Santa locked out the elves. Exorbitant elf salaries were really cutting into Santa’s red velour jumpsuit obsession. It chapped Santa’s hide that elves were cruising around the North Pole in pimped out sleds, while he and the Mrs. were still making cookies and milk runs in their circa 1800s utilitarian sleigh.

Why don’t you remember this?  It’s because elves are three feet tall and they build toys.  It’s all they do. It’s all they know. It’s because Santa needs elves to meet the consumer’s demand.  And mostly it’s because the elf lockout ended in plenty of time for the Christmas season to proceed uninterrupted.

I watched the Super Bowl and after a week long bout of the end-of-the-season blues, I hunkered down to mediocre NBA action, the agonizing long baseball season, weekend golf, and some chicks playing soccer. You see, my biological sports clock has been programmed to expect football in the fall. 

So why should I care that NFL players couldn’t “work” during the off season?  It’s the same reason I hung my stocking up in 1981 with nary a worry that the big man would do his thing.

The players need football. The owners need football. The fans need football. And so does Santa.  I hear he’s got tickets in the cheap seats at Lambeau on a Monday night in December.

LeBron's Summer Vacation Photo

Kobe is Tryp(tophan)in'

Rumor has it that Kobe Bryant feels tired and lethargic a couple of hours after anyone even suggests Turkey. 

Who knew?

We were as shocked as you to discover that the squeaky clean, backpack-to-press conference-wearing, NBA superstar, Kevin Durant is all tatted up.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. We say, "so what" and added a few.

Tiger Woods and Steve Williams Split

Tiger Woods has ended his 12-year relationship with caddie Steve Williams. Woods is going to need a replacement and we’ve got some suggestions.

Here’s our short list of candidates:

A. Carl Spackler (of Caddy Shack fame. This dude once looped
for the Dalai Lama for Buddha’s sake).

 

B. Shaquille O’Neal (They'll call him “The Big Birdie.” And you  know,
they say putting is a lot like free throw shooting. Uh, on second thought...)

C. Dwayne Wade (After carrying LeBron James through the
championship, this will seem like a light load)

D. Santa Claus (Has experience carrying a bag, won’t mind
wearing red on Sundays, and that whole naughty list thing
 just might help keep Tiger in check)

Suggestions?

Mad Libs

A strange thing happened at the Sports Carnage offices today. While playing a game of Mad Libs with my son, we came up with the following whacky sentence.

The Women’s Soccer Team from North Korea were caught using


steroids. North Korea officials claim the girls ingested Musk Deer 


liver to help them recover from being struck by lightning.

Click to Link to this stranger than fiction story.

Weird Beards

Beards happen when you have either too much time or too little time on your hands.

Abraham Lincoln is a perfect example of the "too little time to shave kind of guy." Lincoln had a union to save, slaves to free, and a droopy jaw line to hide.

The baseball relief pitcher conversely has way too much time.  Between making a one inning save appearance a couple of times a week, they spend their idle time participating in bubble gum blowing contests, rating female fans, spitting seeds, and filling pie tins (ironically) with shaving cream.

Tiger Woods recent facial hair experiment places him in the category with the relief pitchers. For all fans, concerned Tiger, please pick up a hobby while you recuperate. You're creepin' us all out. 

The Weird Facial Hair Hall of Fame (Other nominees?)

See Colin Farrell, Horrible Bosses

Drew Gooden as the Kraken

Brian Wilson inspired by
Wooly Willy. (click link)

I blame this guy for all this
beard and mustache mayhem.

I 

Excuse me sir, but there is a
fishing lure hanging from
your lip.

Jayon Werth loses a bet. We hope.

From Just Do It to Go Vantelin?

[Vantelin is the heat rub that Tiger Woods is now hawking in Japan]

Rumor has it that Woods mistakenly believed the rub was to be used on his clubs.

Clothes-lined!

Rambis gets knocked down again!  After two unsuccessful seasons with the T-Wolves and a winning percentage (32-132) that looked more like Shaq's free throw percentage, Rambis got clothes-lined by Minnesota GM, David Kahn.

To ease the pain of failure, Rambis will stroll (onto the beaches of Southern California most likely) with enough dollars ( 4 million of them to be exact) to afford a few pairs of horn-rimmed sun glasses.

KFC offers Dwayne Wade a job.

In high school, Wade worked at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and now the company has reached out to help him make ends meet during the imminent NBA lockout.

Teammate LeBron James was denied a position after repeatedly clanging wings and legs off the side of the family variety bucket during his interview/tryout. 

A dejected LeBron commented, “I guess I'll be taking my talents to Popeyes.”

Sports Celebrity Look-a-Likes

Kevin Durant and Raj from What's Happenin'
Hey, hey, hey!

Cowboy Giver

Dallas wide receiver, Roy Williams, has trouble catching...

a. out patterns

b. a wife

c. on

d. All of the Above.

Dallas wide receiver, Roy Williams allegedly mailed a video proposal, a $76,000 ring, and his testicles in an overnight delivery package to girl friend Brooke Daniels.

Brooke got cold feet and sticky fingers; Broke off the wedding and kept the ring. 

Roy Williams, perhaps sensing the inevitable: Getting released by the Cowboys, and losing his $9 million annual salary, filed an insurance claim and hired an attorney to retrieve the ring.

Roy probably realized that 76K might come handy when the time comes to replace his missing testicles.

Metta World Peace

Metta World Peace sans Puerto Rico

Really?